Domestic Violence in Intimate Relationships
By Jodi DePaoli, LPC, Manager of Cascade Health Counseling & EAP
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and despite education and communication around the topic of intimate partner abuse, this issue remains an ongoing and common problem in our country and community. While all genders are affected, women are most likely to be the victims of domestic abuse. According to the CDC, roughly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Nearly half of all women and men in the US will experience emotional abuse by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (thehotline.org)
There are many ways that domestic abuse shows up in an intimate relationship, including physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. Other lesser-known abuse patterns include financial abuse (i.e. controlling a partner’s access to money, concealing financial information), digital abuse (i.e. monitoring technology use, harassing or bullying) and stalking behavior (unwanted monitoring of a partner’s activities, whether digitally or in real life, during or after a relationship has ended).
Physical abuse includes any intentional contact that causes or intends to cause you harm. This can be restraining, hitting, slapping, or something that might start innocently, like tickling, but eventually escalates and continues despite asking for it to stop. This type of abuse is easier to detect but this does not mean it is easier to escape.
Emotional and verbal abuse can be much more difficult to recognize. Many people are unaware that their communication has crossed the line into abuse. Examples of this type of abuse include name-calling, threatening language, stonewalling, insults, controlling a partner’s activities, humiliation, or isolating someone from friends and family.
Sexual abuse is any behavior that pressures or forces someone to do something sexually they do not want to do. Many people are under the mistaken impression that rape or sexual assault cannot occur in a marital or committed relationship. This is untrue. Consent is necessary in all sexual encounters.
The Cycle of Abuse
There is a pattern in most abusive relationships that also makes it very difficult to walk away, this is known as “The Cycle of Abuse”. The cycle is repetitive and begins with the build up of tension, the victim may know that things are escalating and may do all they can to avoid the inevitable blow-up. Eventually an incident occurs that causes physical or emotional harm, followed usually by what is often called the “Honeymoon Phase.” This is when there is reconciliation, apology, often love-bombing, and promises that things will change. This is followed by a period of calm prior to the tension building again. This pattern can be very addictive.
How to Get Help
Many people struggle to leave abusive relationships for very real reasons, including financial restraints, family or religious obligations, or because they truly care for their partner and believe things can improve. Often the victim feels shame that they have ended up in this situation or “should have known better,” and the fear of leaving the relationship is greater than the fear of staying in what has become a familiar pattern.
If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, a good first step is to talk with a counselor. Having a confidential place to discuss this with a neutral third party can be incredibly helpful to gain insight into what is really going on in your relationship. Counselors can help assess your relationship and talk through options that are available to you. Many people worry that a counselor will have to make a report to authorities. Domestic abuse between two adults does not fall under mandatory reporting laws unless children or the elderly are involved. If this is something you are concerned about, it would be appropriate to discuss this with your counselor for clarity.
There are ways to end the cycle of abuse. No one deserves to be harmed physically or emotionally, and you are not responsible for the choices someone else makes even if they repeatedly tell you the abuse is your fault. There are resources available, please consider reaching out today.
Cascade Health Counseling: 541-345-2800
Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233, text START to 88788, hotline.org